{"id":3262,"date":"2022-03-19T12:00:06","date_gmt":"2022-03-19T19:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/?p=3262"},"modified":"2022-03-19T12:01:32","modified_gmt":"2022-03-19T19:01:32","slug":"fear-of-public-failure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/fear-of-public-failure\/","title":{"rendered":"Fear of Public Failure"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I’ve been weird. Undependable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In recent years, I’ve realized that I’ve been driven through many things in life by my fear of criticism.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I didn’t think of myself as being worried about criticism because I was weird. I had weird interests, a weird career, weird social behaviors, weird ways of living, weird friends. I didn’t want to be normal or boring. It seemed to me if I was so weird, I must be impervious to criticism. I must be brave. I must not GAF about the judgement of others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While many people try to avoid criticism by complying with society and or being high achievers, my strategy ( kinda unbeknownst to me ) was to be confusing. If other people didn\u2019t know my goals, they couldn\u2019t tell if I was succeeding. If I wasn\u2019t trying to do what others were doing, they couldn\u2019t compare myself to them. If was doing stuff that other people hadn\u2019t heard of before, they couldn\u2019t tell me I was doing it wrong. I didn\u2019t play the sports my dad was interested in. I studied magic instead of getting good grades. I flipped a pancake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The good of this is drive to avoid criticism is I created a lot. I explored a lot. I learned a lot. I built a career and a personality on it that gave joy to a lot of people. I made entertainment that was very much about being bulletproof in society. I motivated and inspired people who felt weird but didn\u2019t know if they were safe to express it. I became a vicarious avatar for people \u2014 even if just for a few minutes on stage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bad side of this drive is that rebellion is not the opposite of compliance. If I was a rebel, I didn\u2019t have a chance to go with the flow when it would be helpful to me. A die-hard rebel is just as controlled by the status quo as a total sheep – we must rebel no matter what. I was constantly reinventing the wheel. I was constantly swimming upstream. I pursued confusion in my relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ACTIVELY TRIED TO PROVE THAT I WAS UNDEPENDABLE.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When I felt that I was facing criticism in my life I would get very defensive and defensive actions are not good for people around me. It prevented me from listening to others and responding with my highest intention. When people looked to me and wanted to depend on me, I wasn\u2019t there to do it. That wasn\u2019t who I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my career, I was impacted by not trying to outwardly build a fanbase (because that success could be measured by others) or trying to be financially successful (because that would have been another clear metric of my failure). It held me back a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I\u2019ve realized that this criticism-avoidance was a major power in my life, I started to change. I started to listen to people and realize that most of the stuff they say is not criticism. I started to see how much I judged others and saw the world thru a lens of everyone being non-stop judgmental. I started trying to determine what I actually wanted in life – not just what I wanted to fight against.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I started being more of who I wanted to be in relationships. I started taking on more responsibility and standing behind that responsibility. Then, I started seeing what I could do with responsibility! If I took responsibility for entertaining an audience, I could take them to another level. I could say, I\u2019m going to be your leader. I\u2019m going to guide you through a good time. Then, I could deliver on that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I\u2019m taking responsibility for earning a living for my family. I\u2019m taking responsibility to deliver to the performers who hire me to make websites for them. I\u2019m not flaking. I\u2019m not making it weird. I\u2019m not defensive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still a recovering rebel. I\u2019m not quitting being weird, but I wanna do it when I wanna do it. I\u2019m still getting better at aligning with my intention. Being a husband and father has escalated my fear of public failure and my drive to be more responsible at the same time. I am not driven by the fear 24\/7 anymore. I\u2019m driven by love and generosity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not that I\u2019m a totally transformed man, but it is an exciting new chapter in my life. I\u2019m okay with being seen as a failure sometimes. I\u2019m okay with being seen as normal sometimes. I\u2019m way better than okay with my life. Life is so good!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here I am, publicly stating that if you are in my life, I will try to stick to my commitments to you and give to you from my heart. I prefer if you don\u2019t criticize me when I fail, but I\u2019d rather fail at that than succeed at pushing away responsibility.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve been weird. Undependable. In recent years, I’ve realized that I’ve been driven through many things in life by my fear of criticism.\u00a0 I didn’t think of myself as being worried about criticism because I was weird. I had weird interests, a weird career, weird social behaviors, weird ways of living, weird friends. I didn’t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":3263,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10158666434799935_26707174888":"","twitter_aToyMjM4MTQzMDs=_22381430":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3262","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/fart.jpg?fit=2000%2C1076&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pc33gc-QC","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1586,"url":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/whats-the-weird-for\/","url_meta":{"origin":3262,"position":0},"title":"What’s The Weird For?","author":"scot","date":"September 3, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"In Scot Nery's Boobietrap, we have weird acts. We have a category for them called \"weird.\" They're really great for mixing it up and destabilizing the show. I didn't always like weird. In San Francisco, I had been exposed to Dadaism, art films, nonsensical Burning Man art and all kinds\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/weird.jpg?fit=1200%2C824&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/weird.jpg?fit=1200%2C824&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/weird.jpg?fit=1200%2C824&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/weird.jpg?fit=1200%2C824&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/weird.jpg?fit=1200%2C824&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2286,"url":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/entertainment-not-pivoting-is-weird\/","url_meta":{"origin":3262,"position":1},"title":"Entertainment NOT Pivoting is Weird","author":"scot","date":"January 26, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"With our global economy changes, people are using the word 'pivot' more and acting like it's an abrupt, new activity. It's not new. Being FORCED into a pivot is not new. Companies are forced into changing direction all the time. Coca Cola used to be a cocaine drink. Now it's\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-nick-wehrli-3375920.jpg?fit=1200%2C602&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-nick-wehrli-3375920.jpg?fit=1200%2C602&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-nick-wehrli-3375920.jpg?fit=1200%2C602&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-nick-wehrli-3375920.jpg?fit=1200%2C602&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-nick-wehrli-3375920.jpg?fit=1200%2C602&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2890,"url":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/nine-eleven-two-thousand-one\/","url_meta":{"origin":3262,"position":2},"title":"Nine Eleven \/ Two Thousand One","author":"scot","date":"September 10, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Daniel Packard, Chris Karney, and I were performing at comedy clubs in Seattle. We stayed together in a youth hostel. News spread through the hostel. People woke us up and we saw the second plane hit. So surreal. I don't remember being extra displaced by visiting a strange city. I\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/pexels-cottonbro-4646214.jpg?fit=1200%2C722&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/pexels-cottonbro-4646214.jpg?fit=1200%2C722&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/pexels-cottonbro-4646214.jpg?fit=1200%2C722&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/pexels-cottonbro-4646214.jpg?fit=1200%2C722&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/pexels-cottonbro-4646214.jpg?fit=1200%2C722&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1739,"url":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/why-try\/","url_meta":{"origin":3262,"position":3},"title":"Why Try?","author":"scot","date":"September 25, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"At the outset of the pandemic lockdown, I was pretty buoyant. I definitely didn't suspect or hope for the fallout that has happened. So much death and suffering. I was optimistic, as usual, that things would work out. That's a conscious decision I always make. My position was that nothing\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/horse.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/horse.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/horse.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/horse.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/horse.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":3076,"url":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/can-it-get-any-worse\/","url_meta":{"origin":3262,"position":4},"title":"Can It Get Any Worse!?","author":"scot","date":"October 22, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"I had an email to send. A simple reply for a simple sweet note from a client. It wasn't a groundbreaking piece of prose. The question a robot would ask is \"What's the minimum viable action?\" I find it little easier to ask something like \"can I make it worse?\"\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/stuff.jpg?fit=1200%2C766&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/stuff.jpg?fit=1200%2C766&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/stuff.jpg?fit=1200%2C766&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/stuff.jpg?fit=1200%2C766&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/stuff.jpg?fit=1200%2C766&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":3101,"url":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/ticketed-shows-holidays\/","url_meta":{"origin":3262,"position":5},"title":"Ticketed Shows & Holidays","author":"scot","date":"November 1, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Scot Nery's Boobietrap occured every Wednesday for five years, so we ran into some holidays. We didn't stop for Fourth of July or Christmas or Halloween. Ticket selling gets weird with all the holidays. So, we gotta think about the experience of the ticket buyer. Gasp! Another post about empathy!\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/pexels-melike-benli-9299384.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/pexels-melike-benli-9299384.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/pexels-melike-benli-9299384.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/pexels-melike-benli-9299384.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/pexels-melike-benli-9299384.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3262","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/15"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3262"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3262\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3266,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3262\/revisions\/3266"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3263"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3262"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3262"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.scot.fun\/damentals\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3262"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}